red_satin_doll

All this talk of icons, editing platforms and fanart the last week, plus icontests and enjoying other people's work, ~~has made me hungry~~ got some thinky-thoughts a'flowin:

Imagine voting at any fanfiction awards site (WGA, SunnyD, RWSA, NRFTW, ~~NAFTA~~, AoLA, etc) where all the work is listed anonymously. I am of course excluding juried situations which are sometimes but not always "blind". (In many cases IRL, this may be as much to protect from biases for/against gender, ethnicity, color, etc.)

Can you imagine a list of fic nominees with titles and no authors listed? Of course not. I can't either. But we do it all the time - on a weekly basis in fact - at icon challenges.

In fact, on one level it might be argued that whenever we publish work using pseudonyms, screennames or what we oldsters used to call "pennames" ("keyboardnames"?), then those stories are de facto anonymous in the real world, but that's another conversation altogether. (Or is it? Anonymity and women not being given credit for their work has always been a feminist issue. Are we protecting ourselves by using pseudonyms in fandom, or just playing into larger cultural patterns? I suspect that's a discussion for another time but worth pondering.)

In the past I've been kind of a fiend to obey the rules of which clearly state that icons must not have been previously posted anywhere else, and we're not to let other people know which are ours. The icons are all posted without the creator's names to allow for "unbiased" voting, right?

I got so anxious about it I even teasingly mock-scolded one of my friends *cough*kikimay*cough* (poor woman!) on the subject. I tried to figure out how to make my icons "less recognizable" by not using certain fonts or framing devices, etc. This was especialy challenging with Photobucket, which has a primitive editing suite with a very finite number of choices. When anonymity was becoming a consideration over artistry in my choices, I realized it was becoming a problem.

I was also certain I was alone in my anxieties on the subject until I saw a comment by someone else in fandom, who makes beautiful icons the way I make breakfast for my sweetie - that is to say, on a regular basis - express concern that one of their icons was recognizable. As it happens, I have guessed some of their icons correctly on a couple of occasions; and other times I've assumed it was their's and got it completely wrong. No one person "owns" a particular character, color scheme, font or effect, as it happens, although we each have preferences.

Not that knowing or not knowing mattered to me. Did I vote differently because I thought I knew which icons this person did? No, of course not. I voted for the work in front of me.

More conversation - and icons - a'comin' . Here's a little appetizer:

I'm confident of this because quality of the work is paramont to me. It has to be. I've had occasion to be a judge or on selection committees since college for written publications, fandom awards, and independent film festivals, going back a couple of decades to college. I had to learn and am still learning to walk that tightrope of constructive criticism that is fair and impartial but doesn't lose sight of the fact that there is another person waiting anxiously for feedback.

That doesn't mean I get it right all the time, or even most of the time, but it's something I keep sight of pretty fiercely. When I've been a fiction judge or a beta, I may LOVE an author. They may be my dearest friend in the world - in fact, I've been Muse (beta) for several of my best friend's novels and at least one book of poetry for several years - or at any rate someone I trust, respect, treasure.

The fact of my feelings for them has to yet to win anyone a first place or even a runner-up award. Even when it comes to nominations, I'm not going to throw a name out there if I don't believe the work has sufficient merit.

And I expect the same in return because I trust the folks on my f'list to have enough taste, discernment, and intellegence to vote for the work, not for me. I trust that they are bringing all of their talents, experiences and hard-earned skills in art in any medium to bear when they push the button. In fact I'd be horrified if I won an award for crap just because it got the most votes and I feel certain anyone reading this would as well.

Now does that mean I'll haul off afterwards and say "I didn't vote for your work, sorry, I liked this other one better"? HELL NO. Not unless asked specifically ask me. Which nobody does, btw. Not even me. I am more apt to wonder why the hell you voted for me when so and so's work was so much better. Which is, in essence a slur on your tastes and criteria because they are different than mine. See how tricky that can get? When in doubt, shut my mouth.

Just to be clear, this is NOT a manifesto to the hard-working fandom icontest mods "Change your rules!" Goodness, no. Your comm - your rules. Period and end of sentence. As long as I participate in icontests I will abide by those rules. I like the challenge, surprising myself; I like getting the juices flowing, I like the focus that prompts provide and I love seeing what other people come up with. And I'd be a liar if I said I don't enjoy winning now and then because I do. I like it, my ego likes it, my tender little heart likes it. Who doesn't? But I can't let any concern about being recognized or winning/not winning because of that inform my artistic choices. The fact that I've recently been introduced to four new online editing sites gives me a much wider sandbox to play in; but at the end of the day there are still certain choices or stylistic qualities that are recognizable signatures

The bottom line here is, I love you all, I cherish you my darling f'list, but when it comes to having to vote in contests I am ALL ABOUT THE WORK. Period. Whether there's a name attached to it or not.

Now that you've made it this far (no fair cheating and jumping all the way to the end, 'kay?), let's have some ~~tea and cake~~ more icons just for fun!

Why yes, I FINALLY made some icons of VampWillow (excluding my "Lesbian Vampire Seal of Approval Icon, of course). I know it's an iconic image but somethings are iconic for a reason., It's a great shot and I had to start somewhere, right? Also I have been trying to keep the wonderful Willow fans on my f'list in mind. You're welcome. All made entirely or principally in Photobucket unless specified. 1-5 are by reverse order of creation.

1) 2) 3) 4) 5)

6) 7) 8)

I was using #6 for a while as my primary Willow icon but traded it in for one by spikesredqueen. I still like it - no fancy effects except what was already onscreen plus increased saturation and brightness - but the resolution leaves something to be desired. #8 was another possible entry for the recent slayerstillness prompt (negative space) that I missed.

9) 10) 11) 12)

#9 is actually about a year old, another one I have mixed feelings about. LOVE the Buffy hairporn, the quality of a pencil drawing rather than photograph but again, there's the clarity issue. I tried that one again and couldn't get anything better in PB; the cap is just a tad too dark for my liking.

The "steal" from Never Leave Me in #12 is definitely deliberate. And it's not intended a a shipping statement on my part but anyone who ships the two of them is more than welcome to snag it for their own nefarious purposes. Willow's life changed forever when Buffy "took notice" of her. (Consider icons #1-5 "Exhibit A".)

My sweetie is not too fond of the idea of me creating and storing Pages docs (the Mac version of Word) on her laptop, now our only computer; she's worried about it filling up etc. (I love that woman, oh how I do, but....ever seen the scene in the movie The Kids Are Alright re: "micromanaging"? That's pretty much us.)

So I'd like to have a place where I can create, edit and store documents online and store them there, now that I've just filled up another notebook with fic drafts and meta notes; something along the lines of Photobucket, but for documents rather than photos.

FYI: the simpler the better. I've heard of iCloud and still have no idea what it is (despite <lj user=comlodge>'s careful explanation of it); I'm pretty computer savvy in some ways but most of y'all are way ahead of me in a lot of other areas. Thanks muchly!

Last week we finally got the gas stove (burners etc) in the new apartment fixed and approved for use, and I made the first dinner since the house fire that I was proud of: Chicken breasts rubbed with a little balsamic vinagrette dressing from a local restaurant (to which I'd added a little more oil and maple sysauteed in the cast iron skillet in a slick of olive oil, with chopped leeks, mushrooms, garlic etc; seasoned lightly with salt, pepper, and then just a dash of balsamic vinagrette dressing from a local restaurant (to which I'd added maple syrup) poured in at the last minute or two. Making it felt like coming home on some small level: this is ME, this is who I am. It felt familiar, and "familiar" has suddenly become very precious to me.

And yes, I do know children are starving around the world and women have to walk ten miles to get water and I've never been raped and I'm not mutilated or dead so stop whining and be grateful. No, I'm not joking, this stuff really goes through my head. Although when my landlord pulled out the "at least you have a roof over your head" line I wanted to tell him to stuff it.

So it's been little things, grasping for the familiar comforts and rhythms, while being aware somehow that the "old normal" doesn't exist anymore and never will; that a new sense of "normal" is establishing itself, while the old patterns elbow their way in. Or perhaps it's the other way around? Whether that "new normal" is comfortable or desirable is too soon to tell. The old normal was comfortable; but was it actually desirable?

So I can still light a fire in the Weber grill with wood I've gathered myself and grill a steak or burn documents without hesitation. The fire and smoke don't bother me because I've mastered this activity and it's "under control", safe and contained.

But I'm hyper-aware of fire truck sirens in the streets, and I startled at unfamiliar noises in this new apartment, the slight ones coming perhaps from outside on the stairwell, beneath the floor or through the walls; in fact I'm not sure where they come from most times. I freeze and wait for a second until they pass. Sounds, not sights or smells, seems to be the main sense in which my recent "trauma" (let's just call it PTSD, shall we?) expresses itself. It wasn't the mattress in flames that terrified me, or the smoke filling my eyes; it was the awful sound of my sweetheart's high-pitched, hysterical scream as she tried to fight the fire. Running up the stairs I thought for an awful moment I'd find her engulfed in flames, burning to death.

No one should have to hear that sound, although many people do, and worse. I know.

But written words can have an effect as well. I had to stop reading

beer_good_foamy's recent post re: Night Vale when I read this quote from the podcasts: "The world is awful. And on fire. And beautiful." A month ago I would have loved the elegant and evocative language. Now I run away from it because I want to cry. And I am not liking this state of affairs one little bit. Not at all. But there it is. (Note to BGF if you're reading it: don't change the title of your journal on my account, ok? That is NOT what I'm saying at all.)

It is always unpredictable and never within my control. Perhaps that's what is really setting me off lately, and not the triggers themselves. That may explain why I have a hard time lately bearing my partner's moods when she arrives home. She might be exhausted, in pain, angry about work, hyper-focused on some obsession or project that must get done, throw herself into a frenzy of activity or barely be able to move. She's no different in fact than she's ever been but now it feels very heightened to me. The fact that she speaks aloud constantly, says everything she's thinking at every moment she's thinking it, or thinks and obsesses in patterns and circles, is nothing new. The fact that she wants me to "respond" to her, but automatically know when she's talking to me and when she's just thinking aloud isn't new either. We've been together 17 years, she's always been that way.

It used to be irritating, frustrating; now it feels like nails scraping my skin to be in the same room sometimes. And other times, she leans into me and I stroke her soft hair and forget all that for a moment, until the next disagreement and we're off to the races again.

My primary solace, lately, or methods of trying to hold onto "normal" have included being here with my friends on LJ and chatting for hours while ignoring my must-do list and procrastinating like a champ; and carrying a notebook with me everywhere I go so I can write when inspiration strikes - again, always when I'm supposed to be doing something else "more important".

And lately I'm writing Buffyverse fanfic. After announcing a year ago I would NOT write fanfic because 1) my previous efforts in another fandom sucked which 2) made me decide I'm really a non-fiction writer plus 3) there are so many good writers in this fandom that I could never compete or say something really new and therefore, 4) I was going to write meta in this fandom instead of fic.

( I'm writing Buffyverse fanfic. Be very afraid.... )
In other news, my sweetie and I are going to the Cape tomorrow, to Truro, MA just south of Provincetown; she's taking a painting workshop that was planned and paid for back in May. We've been to the Cape just once before on a weekend trip and loved it. ("Off-season" is the way to go on a strip of land that has only one road going in and out.) I don't know if I'll see the harbor seals this time, but I am taking the laptop along.

And my notebook. Much cheaper than therapy, with none of the nasty side-effects of antidepressants.

Today I was at the house all day attempting to clean up the mess after the fire, with no electricity, etc. Fun. I pulled out one of my rescued-from-the-chaos-but-still-damp notebooks and decided to transcribe it to a clean new notebook to pass the time (aka "procrastinating, with feeling"). Instead of transcription I found myself, 2-4 hours later (I didn't look at my phone and had no idea how much time passed) with a basic but workable "outline" for the Buffy & Tara friendship metas I've been wanting to write. I've got ideas by the truckful but I've always been perplexed as to how to organize the role Tara plays in btvs and specifically Buffy's story: episode by episode seemed logical to me; it worked for my meta on "Ted" to focus that way. Except my brain doesn't work that way. For instance, when I watch or think about "Who are You", I see nearly the entirety of S6 played out in miniature. I watched the B/S handfasting in Chosen and my mind leapt backward to W/T's handfasting in Hush. My mind delights in these sorts of connections, which partly explains my love for the tv show but it makes it damn difficult to organize my thoughts. Today I was apparently lucky - time to myself (I busted ass afterwards cleaning, I promise you) and I started writing down Tara's various roles in the show. That allowed me to make those connections freely without the feeling of going "off track", as happens with a focus on a singular episode. (Although I could do an entire book of essays and fannish squee about "Who are You" alone and if I'm lucky I just might.) whether or not I'll get time with the computer again to be able to shape and post this, I have no idea. Part of what's interesting to me about this is the fact that I didn't look at any of my notes scattered across five books, I just wrote, and the ideas were all there because I know them so well. That's something I can't do with the rough drafts of fics I've written; I can't recreate them from memory. The word order is so so very specific in fiction. And it doesn't matter if it's pretty close to "finished" (ie something to pass on to a beta or just post already, damn it) or if it's very rough scribbles in a notebook as with my meta notes today. Which may be part of what makes fan fiction and non-fiction writing different experiences for me as a writer. But then again, if I had to totally reproduce a nearly-finished meta essay entirely from memory, would I be able to? Am I comparing apples with pomegranates? I wonder if anyone else had had similar experiences especially if you've written in both fiction and nonfiction?

ETA 08/02/13:

comlodge just re-stated the point in the convo thread below that I was attempting to make re: beta-readers and meta and did so better and far more concisely than I could ever hope to. I bow to her awesomeness.

I just noticed one more empty "pending" slot in the Beta catagory at the Running With Scissors Awards, which seems odd to me. Thousands of fandom writers (theoretically) = thousands of betas (theoretically) = unable to fill six slots? Granted a good beta is hard to find - or rather, a successful author-beta partnership based on complete trust and respect for the other person may just be harder to find than a good marriage. The author needs to be able to choose someone who can offer objective, constructive criticism, not flames or insults; who can judge the work based upon what the writer is trying to achieve in the piece and how much it fails or succeeds in that goal; and the beta needs to be someone who can offer help but then detach themselves and always remember it is the author's story, not their own.

On the other side of the page, nothing is more frustrating as a beta (I speak from experience, of course) than dealing with an author who says they want feedback when what they really want is praise. And this is true of 99% percent of the writers I've dealt with, who say they want "feedback" when what they're really after is ego strokes. Of course every writer wants that, but when an author is entering a relationship with a beta partner they need to be clear as to what, exactly they are looking for: an editor? A cheerleader? A teacher or taskmaster? Someone to brainstorm with? Line by line analysis of plot, structure, etc? Hugs and puppies? I'm not a beta for any writers in this fandom currently but I'm a "Muse" for one of my closest friend's novels (we prefer the title "Muse" to "beta"), and I've always been more than willing to give the writers I've working with the feedback they need, if they are willing to listen to what I have to say. (Why ask a beta for their opinion if you don't want to actually hear it?)

One thing I noticed since I've been a part of this fandom: betas are considered essential to fanfiction, to the point that authors actually apologize for not having a beta; why is it then that "meta" (nonfiction writing) posts very rarely mention the feedback of a beta? The exceptions I've seen have tended to be the more intellectual or academic fan essays and analysis. The other day I asked someone to beta a fanfic I'm working on but it's never occured to me to request feedback on a nonfiction fan essay before posting it. Is it custom? Habit? Lack of interest in nonfiction writing in relation to fiction?

(ETA paragraph breaks, hyperlinks, and screencap. Clearly, this post needed a beta of it's own.)

spankedbyspike , one of the mods/admins of the No Rest for the Wicked Awards, continued our conversation re: the concept of self-nominations in fandom awards a few days ago and I thought their remarks worth sharing (with their kind permission):

"Outside of angelus2hot who contact the nominees and receive the nominations, none of us know who self nominate or who is nominated by others. It's a conversation that doesn't even occur, so for those of you hesitating to self nominate you shouldn't. Also, not all of us have a lot of friends out there that know about the Awards and will think about nominating folks from their friend's list. Therefore there are amazing works online never nominated for some misgavings about self-nomination... We are all poorer for it.

I hope people reading this will stop hesitating and nominate their creations as well as those that impacted them. The Awards are simply a safe place to discover new art,fiction, meta that can touch us, make us think, make us live by proxy with characters and situations that bring new depths to our understanding and love of those fandoms and at times of ourselves. Let's all enjoy it!"

http://wicked-awards.livejournal.com/33488.html?thread=834000#t834000

Some of my friends in this fandom have confessed to me privately that they've self-nominated one of their works, as if it were a dirty little secret. And my response has been to reassure them that it's ok because that doesn't affect the judging processes, and most importantly, they are a terrific writer and have a right to be proud of their work. Do I then apply that encouragement to myself? Oh hell no, honey: "Oh I couldn't because that would be immodest and...unseemly." I think I may actually have done so once in the past year, maybe. (Maybe not, I don't remember. Either 1) I've suppressed the memory, 2) my ADD is getting worse in my old age, or 3) a bit of both. Take your pick.) Then if/when I do I go overboard in nominating work by other fans, as in "way more than the judges' minimum requirement". The Wicked Awards, for example, ask that if you self-nom, you nominate at least three other works as well. In this fandom the problem is not coming up with enough nominees but selecting a few from an embarrassment of riches. It's as if somehow this will counterbalance the terrible sin of pride I've committed.

Spike: "You've nominated how many other peoples' work? One self-nomination doesn't tip the scales!"

(Image "borrowed" and played around with from Shadow of Reflection)

Ok, time for a Reality Check(TM): I'm a fan of a show that includes murder, torture, abuse of power, necrophilia etc as everyday occurrences - hell, I live in a world in which murder, torture, abuse of power, necrophilia, etc are everyday occurrences. (I actually have no idea about that last one, btw. But there's some pretty freaky people in this world.) And I'm worried about being perceived as "unseemly"? What is up with that, really?

As I'm pretty new to fandom and not the only person who has wrestled with this issue, I'd love to hear your thoughts and perspectives on this issue. Agree or disagree with

spankedbyspike , and in either case, why? Have you ever self-nominated your own works, and how did you feel about it? Is the reluctance to do so a "gender thing" (traditionally girls have been conditioned to be "modest" about their accomplishments), a cultural thing, or a more general "personality thing"?

(And, completely OT: Why in the name of all that is unholy do I have to put an ocean of space between every single paragraph on LJ? *le sigh*)

So yesterday I posted about the Absence of Light Awards, and gave a special shout-out to "Le Petit Mort" by

snogged . Then I remembered to check out the No Rest For The Wicked Awards winners list and the first thing that caught my eye: "Le Petit Mort" won for Best Drabble. Well, of course it did. (And I really don't mean to play favorites, btw, because both AoL and Wicked had so many wonderful entries this year it makes my head hurt trying to keep up with them all.)

Unlike AoL, the Wicked nominee and winners lists include a lot of names I'm not familiar with, in part because it awards works in multiple fandoms, but I do see some friends on the winners list in the fiction categories:

velvetwhip (Gabrielle),

snowpuppies , secondalto,

valyssia, and

pickamix. Congratulations to all of you, dears! And special congratulations to the winners in the Meta Category (Not Fade Away):

The winner, "And When the Sky was Opened" by

eleusis_walks is the first (only?) in-depth fandom examination of Cordelia Chase's character arc I've come across, and was completely new to me before this round of awards. (How many metas about Queen C have you read before? Exactly.) The runners-up were two of my favorite, absolutely essential metas about the Buffyverse: "Rules of Engagement: Violence and Hyperreality in the Buffyverse" by

lostboy_lj , and "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer vs Buffy the Vampire Slayer" by

beer_good_foamy .

All the nominees were fantastic but these choices feel particularly right - any one of them could have been "first place", so to me it feels like a three-way tie, in terms of quality. I cannot recommend any of them highly enough - and if you've chatted with me for more than five minutes you've probably seen me link to lostboy's and beer_good_foamy's metas and said "Yes, THIS." They've helped shaped, define and deepen my understanding and enjoyment of the Buffyverse, of Buffy Summer's story AND they've both got wit and style to spare. (Smarts plus humor = that guy or gal you used to date in college and sort of regret now that you let them get away. Or maybe you don't but you had a damn fine time while it lasted.)

*************

Now here's where I'm going to be a bit whing-y and indulgent if you'll bear with me: My own "Dopplegangers (Xander)" meta was in the running in this category, and I knew perfectly well that I was not going to win because the competition was formidable. (Full disclosure: I nominated several of my competitors, because my meta was the only nominee at the time and who the hell wants that? That's not a contest. Ironically, "And When the Sky was Opened" was one of the few I didn't nominate, which means - there are other people out there reading meta! So it's all good.) But that didn't stop a teensy little part of my heart from wanting to win.

Brain: "You're not going to win, your meta is really rough and sloppy compared to these others, no way you're in the same category. Don't even think about it, kiddo."
Heart: "I know, I know, of course you're right. But I can't stop hoping just a teensy bit - what? No I'm not crossing my fingers honest I'm not."

Now here's the funny thing - and yes, I've got a point here somewhere - my fic "Untitled" has been nominated in two awards, won two "silver medals", basically, and I have no idea who nominated it, who voted for it, or why it got nominated in the first place. And I mean that - none. I read the other stories I was competing against and was certain who was going to win; and it wasn't going to be me. It's like pennies from Heaven falling into my lap that I didn't expect and don't understand but, gee, I'll take it anyway and thank you. But the meta category? Of course I knew I wasn't going to win that.

Why the disconnect? Because I think I'm as adept at judging the quality of fiction as nonfiction, at least in terms of other people's work. Is it because I consider myself primarily a nonfiction writer as opposed to fiction? Am I not as good of a judge of fiction as I think I am? Could the fact that most of my reading at home (on the bookshelf) is nonfiction skew my judgement? Am I just overthinking the whole damn thing?

In any case, I'm going to get cracking this year because I already have my sights on the next round of Wicked meta awards. Which is probably a huge, huge mistake - pride goeth before the fall and all that jazz. But I plan to have a damn fine time of it anyway.

1) "Untitled" (AU the Gift)" was voted Runner-Up in the Best Drabble category in Round Four of the Absence of Light Awards! THANK YOU to the judges and readers who voted for me, and an extra special THANK YOU to

brutti_ma_buoni and

snowpuppies , whose stories provided the inspiration for mine.

The award button for it is really visually disturbing and may be a bit squicky/triggery for some folks (hey, this IS the AoLA we're talking about here) so I'm including it AFTER the cut. You're welcome.

I didn't prepare an acceptance speech because I really did not expect that, at all. This is not false modesty talking; if I had been a judge in that category I wouldn't have voted for my own story because there were so many fantastic ones to choose from. The other award winners in the Drabble category include some of the best Buffyverse stories I've come across, each one gorgeous and orignal: "Daisies" by

spike_1790 , a delicately-drawn and compassionate portrait of Dawn's "bad habit", tied as Winner with "Stolen Screams" by Jane Davitt, a very original take on Angelus' torture of Giles through Spike's POV. "Le Petit Mort" by

snogged , a hypnotic "prose-poem" about complicated connection between the First Slayer and ~~an OC Slayer~~ the First Evil, won Fan Fave in the Drabble category.

The entire winners list includes some of the finest writing and most accomplished writers in this fandom; Best Author alone reads like a Who's Who of Buffyverse writers. Congratulations everybody! (More hugs, cookies and cocoa!) Special shout-out to folks on my flist, including( I'm afraid I'll miss somebody):

snowpuppies ,

velvetwhip ,

beer_good_foamy ,

coalitiongirl ,

brutti_ma_buoni ,

aadler ,

naughtynyx88 ,

deird1,

pickamix,

quinara,

lynnenne ,

angearia - and so on and so forth. Hugs, cookies, and hot cocoa with extra mashmallows for everybody!

2) More shameless self-pimpage: Speaking of

angearia, her comments in

2maggie2 's episode analysis of "Ted" were the catalyst for my last post, the meta about the episode for the Jossverse Big Damn Love Fest (DW version, sans screencaps.) I'm dying to respond but I have to wait until tomorrow when I have the 'puter to myself all day. I honestly wasn't sure about "putting myself out there" in that way - in fact, I was a bit terrified; I couldn't think of anyone I felt comfortable enough going to as a beta or even asking "Is this ok? Is it too personal? Am I going to create a shitstorm?" But the responses the post has gotten so far have been absolutely amazing. Thank you. You've reminded me that sharing stories is important and necessary; that thinking we're alone and no one else could possibly understand is the part of The Lie that keeps us separated from one another and interferes with our self-acceptance (Hey, do I detect the theme of another Buffy meta here?) You ROCK. This fandom ROCKS, even when, like the Scoobies themselves, it drives me up one side the wall and down the other.

And it also confirms one simple fact: I LOVE Buffy Summers, even when (and maybe because) it's difficult for me to love myself - and I love her from the first moment we see her in SD to that final hard-won smile in the sunlight. NO FUCKING APOLOGIES.

Current Mood: happy

Title: The Tides

Fandom: The Hours (2003 movie)
Pairing: Laura Brown/Virginia Woolf
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
An AU take on what Laura Brown experiences when she goes to the hotel in the movie. Because I'd only seen the movie the once, I'd completely forgotten that she went to a posh hotel instead of the dingy motel I described. Again - AU. Humor me

I wrote this story in 2003 but never posted it anywhere; it was inspired by the movie version of "The Hours"; I hadn't yet read Michael Cunningham's novel. When I wrote this I was just emerging from a writer's block of ten years; or more precisely, from a refusal to allow myself to write. The friend to whom I had dedicated this story has been long gone from my life and I'd forgotten it still existed on my harddrive; but Virginia Woolf came up in a conversation

kikimay were having recently, and she expressed interest in reading this. Parts of it make me cringe but overall, I can live with it. (What's really freaks me out is how much of this reminds of Buffy, circa S6. *hugs Buffy and Laura*)

( "What was the proper ensemble in which to abandon one's family?" )

Reader (general public) voting for the Absence of Light Awards is still open through March 15; the voting form is here. So goest thou to vote! (Yes, that was my nod to "The Piano". One of the best movies of the '90's, and I'll brook no argument on that subject.)

One of the best things about the nominee list is that I get to see, laid out in one place, the tonal range of what people consider "angst": from delicate, subtle melancholy or "watercolor angst" (can I trademark that phrase?), to "OMG just carve out my heart with a rusty spoon right NOW!" tragedy.

This, of course, is the part where I'm supposed to encourage you, gentle reader, to vote for me as Best Author and for "Untitled (post-The Gift)" in Best Drabble. So, um - vote for me and my work if you feel it's genuinely deserved? Whatever. Ok - there, done. Because honestly? Getting nominated when there are so many fantastic writers in this fandom is the prize for me, the emotional equivalent to a big, warm, gooey cinnamon bun or fat slice of chocolate cake. Personally, I wouldn't put myself first in either category, and that isn't "false modesty". And yet in the past I have sternly scolded friends who made self-deprecating remarks about themselves as writers or their work; why say unkind things about yourself when others will be more than happy to do it for you? I can happily and freely extend to others what I cannot give to myself. Hypocritical, much?

BTW- I used to think that being overly-modest and downplaying one's accomplishments was a "female thing", that girls are just socialized that way. I know better than that now.

A couple of weeks ago when I mentioned that my meta "Dopplegangers" has been nominated for Best Meta in the No Rest For The Wicked Awards, I didn't properly say "thank you". I had a nice long paragraph of appreciation all typed out on LJ - and that was the week LJ decided to give me shit, and wouldn't let me post more than a couple of sentences. *shakes fist at LJ*

So, thank you very much, Mystery Reader - and I honestly have no idea who it might have been, but it's appreciated all the same. I don't think what I've written is even in the same league with some of the other meta that have been nominated, but it's a huge compliment just to be in the same category with the other writers there. And it's especially gratifying because meta, not fanfic, is what got me into this part of fandom on LJ and what really pulled me into Buffyverse fandom for the first time last year; it was the thoughtful essays and discussions that demonstrated to me that what I'd heard - that there was a TV show with academic journals and conferences devoted to it - was no joke.

This is perhaps the first fan awards I've run into that specifically include a category for meta writing. There are also categories for vids, manips, banners and icons, as well as fics in a variety of fandoms. The nomination period ends the 31st, so stop over there and spread the love for your favorite fan works. (It's probably worth mentioning that the nomination periods for the Absence of Light and the Willowy Goodness Awards will also be ending soon. I think all of them still have slots that can be filled in various categories.)

I know fan fiction dominates fandom creativity, in this as in other fandoms, but I think it's a shame not to give meta essays some love and recognition as well, particularly given the fact that Buffyverse fandom is the most academic fandom and intellectual fandom of any tv show. And while I read TONS of fanfic now, meta is still where my heart is, particularly when the writer combines heart and head, intellectual and emotional responses. There's Slayage of course, but those papers are addressed to a very specific audience, one that I never became a part of and whose language I cannot access.

I am speaking from a place of my own inadequacy, of course (health monetary problems forced me to drop out of a masters degree program many years ago, and I never achieved the level of education I imagined I would), but there's a need in me to talk and write about the show, to peel back it's many layers, to hear different viewpoints, without feeling like someone is talking over my head. Which is ironic, given that the refrain I heard time and again from classmates and even my mom growing up was "Why do you have to use such long words? Can't you speak English?"

Karma is indeed a bitch, my friends.

So I never got to reside for very long in that vaunted ivory tower, which isn't so very exalted in reality - I have more friends than I can count who are doing better than I am, perhaps, but still just getting by cobbling together a variety of adjunct teaching positions. But watching BtVS awoke something in me that needed more intellectual stimulation, and meta on LJ, DW and various blogs fulfill that quite nicely.

Current Mood: grateful

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Page Summary

(no subject)
Needing Advice: A Place to Store Word/Pages Documents
Trying to recalibrate "normal" whatever that means - and, I'm writing fanfic. Be very afraid.
If I write meta about writing meta - will the universe fold in on itself?
Or what's a beta for? And, is there a beta in your meta?
Fandom Awards and Self-Nominations : Some thinky-thoughts from spankedbyspike
Squee for Thee, Not Me
Squee and Self-Pimpage Ahoy!
"The Hours" fanfic (with implied slashy goodness).
Watch me toss a fandom thought salad....
No Rest for the Wicked Awards, and Meta Love - Some fannish thoughts and gratitude

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Style: Ivory Alcea for Mobility by branchandroot
Resources: Mitsuba Aoi

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Entries tagged with i write therefore i am

(no subject)

Needing Advice: A Place to Store Word/Pages Documents

Trying to recalibrate "normal" whatever that means - and, I'm writing fanfic. Be very afraid.

If I write meta about writing meta - will the universe fold in on itself?

Or what's a beta for? And, is there a beta in your meta?

Fandom Awards and Self-Nominations : Some thinky-thoughts from spankedbyspike

Squee for Thee, Not Me

Squee and Self-Pimpage Ahoy!

"The Hours" fanfic (with implied slashy goodness).

Watch me toss a fandom thought salad....

No Rest for the Wicked Awards, and Meta Love - Some fannish thoughts and gratitude