red_satin_doll: (Fred Burkle Blue)
So there were a total of three - count 'em, 3 - participants with 23 total entries for Challenge 37. VOTING DEADLINE IS TONIGHT MINDNIGHT TUESDAY DEC 23rd.

[livejournal.com profile] starry_night says that those 3 contributors may recuse themselves from voting, but I could not in good conscience ask other folks to vote if didn't myself; if I didn't promote these contests that would be another matter. This is NOT to be read as pressure or disapproval of other entrants' choices. Declining to vote because you don't feel you can be objective is a perfectly legitimate and sensible reason to decline from voting, and preferable to the more common opposite stance.

In fact I will defend to the death the right for anyone to say "I don't think I can cast an honest vote here so I'd rather not."  It's far preferable to the more common and opposite stance "I'm going to vote for my friends because they're my friends!" Not that I never ever did that *shifty eyes*. There was that one time: "This person's work has gotten no votes? Zip, zilch, nada, not one? Really? The heck with that."  Which, now that I think about it, kind of makes it sound like a pity f--k except, not as much fun - but with zero chance of contracting (unfunny) syphilis or other nasties. So it all evens out in the wash.

But to be honest, I didn't make my entry icons with prizes in mind, although I'll never refuse the honors of my peers and pretty banners to go with. I made these in a dig-down-deep frenzy after [livejournal.com profile] pickamix's (Megan's) death, to distract myself, to keep from thinking about things, to avoid mopping the kitchen floor.  Not that it worked that way, exactly; I kept thinking "would Megan like this one? Or this one?" And "Oh, here's one I started right at the beginning of the month and was going to show her because I made it with her in mind and then...never mind."

I still haven't mopped the kitchen floor however so, yay for procrastination?

I was going to hold a couple back for the current challenge on another icontest site I just discovered, [livejournal.com profile] whedon_elite . The winning entries in past challenges have been gorgeous and intimidating and the effects many people achieve are beyond my current skillset and/or tools; but [livejournal.com profile] rua1412 has been wonderfully encouraging on that account.

Still, I wanted to share this batch of icons with my friends. With the people reading this post right now, who read my posts regularly, who've been supportive and encourage of my newfound art "career", been with me through the housefire of 2014, the job loss of 2014, who I've laughed and cried and mourned with. As a way of showing off and saying Hey, look what I can do now and see how far I've come because I learned from you. You've been a part of that, you've inspired me, taught me. If I'm a better artist, it's because of you.


And someday I might just be able to remove the quote marks from around "career".

red_satin_doll: (Buffy IWRY golden glow RSD)




What do you do if you're trying to make icons for the upcoming round of [livejournal.com profile] btvsats20in20 and feeling horribly uninspired? AND you've been feeling exposed and tender the last several months, as your skin has been partly scraped away? If you're me, you go back to a fanart you made two months ago (just after Round 3 of 20in20), tinker with it a bit and decide you're finally ready to show it off:

botn52f87548-29d5-42c2-b39a-f1c475dc1368_zps105b1a48 (teaser image)















The Night/Lost in the Woods (click all images below to enlarge)



ETA 01/03/15
Thank you [livejournal.com profile] rbfvid for rec'ing my art at [livejournal.com profile] buffyversetop5!

I forgot to mention earlier that the trees in the background are a photograph I took of the woods around my yard at night, adjusted for color and saturation.
botn52f87548-29d5-42c2-b39a-f1c475dc1368_zps105b1a48 01

Warm palette or cool palette? I like them both.
e96cc1bf-fa1a-4ad7-afb4-c7446d6fc359_zps6595a167 02
This piece has three "godparents":  It was inspired specifically by some comments [livejournal.com profile] pickamix made about Buffy's wounds some time back that got me thinking about my own swirl of fuzzy feelings that I'm reluctant to examine. What IS going on when I look at Buffy in this moment? Sympathy of course, a desire to tuck a blanket around her in a "motherly" way; self-identification for my own psyche and wanting her to have the things I feel I don't (comfort, sympathy, nourishment.) But - is there a sensual component as well? Auto-erotica, masochism turned outward into sadism? All of the above? Is that unhealthy or merely human?



Hard to sort out what it all means. Easier to just make the art.



The line of text comes from Morphine's song "The Night"(Lila), which also inspired some of my Tara icons in Round 3. It's really a perfect fit for the women of the Buffyverse in general, all of them ordinary and extraordinary all at once; but I've identified that song with Buffy most especially ever since I watched the series: "You're a folk tale / the unexplainable...."


This is also dedicated to [livejournal.com profile] bone_dry1013 for the many, many enjoyable hours (and I do mean hours) we spent last year talking about our mutual love for Buffy on her blog, dissecting her psyche, her pains and burdens with a fine tooth comb. It does feel a bit like sadism, somehow, when I love her so much; how can it be so comforting and discomforting all at once?



One of the most disconcerting things about this image is that when I lightened the screencap, which was quite dark, I really saw how odd Sarah's eyes look, each one focused in a slightly different direction. How is that possible, even? I have no idea but I can think of few images from American tv in which someone looks more truly injured, and utterly lost.  In fact it's the complete opposite to the previous of image of Buffy in that episode, unconscious on the ground after her fight with the Ubervamp, blood spattered across her face and yet looking impossibly glamorous.
44f73eab-ac0b-44ad-b5f8-410b1580eb6e_zps3c0ae21c 03


I'd considered adding images of other girls throughout the series, or specifically focused on S7, but I preferred for once to keep this relatively uncluttered. The trees in the background are my own photograph taken in my yard and that I've used before in icons but never in a larger piece.  I added the lyric fragment after I saw the "bar" of light that the filter provided across Buffy's face; serendipity. I adore old-fashioned typewriter fonts and the fact that this is "rough around the edges" makes it a perfect fit for the image of Buffy.


I made other versions that were cropped more tightly, cutting off the bottom, but decided I preferred to leave a little "breathing room" around Buffy visually. I also made lighter, brighter versions but I felt the background patterns competed too much with the image of Buffy. I also had a go at something on "meta", Buffy's monologue from Becoming, Pt2 superimposed over the image. I'm not sure it really works the way I wanted. (Going back to the original typewriter font might have been a better idea?)
15ca9c6c-9b86-4b13-be66-a16e07397cc6_zps5ec7cfce 04


I have no idea what that stuff that looks like lettering in the upper right corners of these is. (It's not text.) It seems to be a combination of the color filters I used, the tree image, and Joyce's curtains plus a  bit of sharpening. A "pattern" popped out and I liked the mysterious/ambiguous quality of it.


Tell me what you think of all this - the art, my psyche - , while I fix Miss Summers a hot meal. Civilized concrit and feedback is warmly appreciated.










ETA: [livejournal.com profile] wicked_awards Nominees 2015 - THANK YOU for the nominations!
#1 Best Banner
#4 Best Wallpaper


nomineebuttonbuffywickedawards275x128_rsd2015_1.1final.png   nomineebuttonfaithwickedawards275x128_rsd2015_1.3final.png



red_satin_doll: (The Chain)
It's all over but the shouting: Congratulations to all the winners of Round 1 [livejournal.com profile] btvsats20in20 challenge (listed in no particular order): [livejournal.com profile] sweet_lyri, [livejournal.com profile] bangel_4e, [livejournal.com profile] oh_cheezit, [livejournal.com profile] rua1412[livejournal.com profile] rua1412, [livejournal.com profile] sweetiepebbles, [livejournal.com profile] spikesredqueen, and [livejournal.com profile] undeny! And thank you again [livejournal.com profile] bangel_4e for creating this community, doing all the thankless work and making it look easy (and pretty!) and answering my endless silly questions with utmost courtesy and kindness.

You know how these icon challenges are often anonymous? Well guess what, kids? By the time the actual voting rolled around I forgot who the heck made what anyway (except SRQ made the Cordy icons, & [livejournal.com profile] debris4spike made the Spike icons: everything else went into my brain's blender along with the anchovies and came out as sauce).

Not that it matters. If I love you and hug you and make you cookies and set the sun and the moon above you, it doesn't mean I'm also gonna vote for your icons when the time comes because it's the WORK that matters. What does affect my vote is: Do I remember an icon when I look away from the screen? Do I still remember that icon an hour later, a day later? A handful of these icons have lingered in my memory from the moment I first saw them.

How did they do that? is another factor in my voting decisions, I admit; hopefully less so as I become more knowledgeable myself. But I'm more likely to wonder how they did something if the icon itself works for me artistically and emotionally in the first place. In other words, the effects are there for a reason, not just for their own sake. Do they work as icons, as something I would want to actually use for myself? Some of my personal Best in Show icons that didn't get the awards love but deserved to IMHO:


[livejournal.com profile] mercurialdragon's Provided Texture, and AC 4-5. The guy It's hard to find nice Xander icons, let alone genuinely beautiful ones. AC4-5 are genuinely lovely to look at, and the tight crop in AC4 amazes me. But Provided Texture might be the icon in this round that really blew my mind, and certainly was my favorite for the Theme. One of my favorite sequences in the series, Xander's dream in Restless, is given the full meta treatment in 100x100 pixels. Is he looking out a window or in a mirror? Either way he's trapped, and I can feel the flopsweat here. Brava.

Another Xander icon I loved: [livejournal.com profile] undeny's Freshman icons: Earth Tones icon of Xander ("I ask myself, what would Buffy do?") cleverly interprets the theme; the trees look like a pattern on his shirt. And like Mercurialdragon's icons it's lovely to look at, rich blacks, muted tones, high quality image, balanced composition of an image that I rarely see in icons. Also their Strong icon uses effects to simultaneously blur and emphasize Buffy's motion as she whips around, and NS+Mono is just pretty. Plus the odd off-center crop takes a page from Edgar Degas's book - and as it happens it's a damned good book.

federica74's Illyria icons AC2 & AC4,  the latter one most especially. Like [livejournal.com profile] mercurialdragon's PT icon, it's both beautiful and very meta, very emotional (and in the case of the Illyria one, I don't know what's going on because I haven't watched AtS; I don't have prior knowledge to affect my reaction to it.) I find myself once again wondering how they achieved those effects, and I've never seen that "mesh screen" effect (texture?) used in quite that way; once again, perfect balance is achieved in an assymmetrical composition. Lovely, rich, coloration in all of these.

[livejournal.com profile] spikesredqueen's Catagory set for Cordy got awards love, but it's her Artist's Choice set that lingers most in my mind. Again, it's conceived as a series and works both as a piece and as individual icons; and there is just something about that sponge-painted effect or, to mix my metaphors, the strawberries and cream-colored overlay (since I don't know when something is a "texture" and something is a "layer", I'll just call it an "overlay" and cover all my bases, m'kay?). It's delicate and feminine and Cordy can be those things too, but she's also Queen C, tough as nails, stronger and smarter than she was willing to let on in Sunnydale.

I want to give [livejournal.com profile] debris4spike's AC4 of Spike from Intervention a shout-out. It's such a brave choice as an icon. The normal default is to choose images that are pretty to look at; certainly that's what I do, and it's easy to do, and fun to play with an image that is pleasurable to look at. I've never tried playing with an image like this one, not sure that I could. It's an awful thing to look at - and demands that I do just that. It's true to the spirit of the show, to what I recognize of real life in it: Yes, this is horrid. But look anyway. Then look again. (You might see a man inside that monster, a powerful witch inside that geek, a hero inside that tiny blond girl. You might find flowers taking seed beneath the shit.)

Taking myself by surprise here: Do I ship Bangel? Nope. (In a not my thing now but I wanted it when I watched it because Buffy wanted him - and yeah I cried when they danced at the Prom and screamed at him in IWRY, the big dope, and no I would never deny her love for any of her lovers, even Riley, so can we just hold hand and sing Kumbaya kind of way while I read Spangel or whatever the heck the W/A ship is called? Coolness.)

Do I love the [livejournal.com profile] bangel_4e's glowing, luminous Bangel AC and Cat sets? Oh yes I do. I have no idea how to achieve that perfect softness without losing image quality or just becomeing "fuzzy". (And how great is that she treats the horror of the dream sequence in Amends in AC5 to the same romantic look as the other images?)  Do I want to snuggle up in Buffy and Angel's embrace in [livejournal.com profile] xlittledreams' Smile and Catagory 4 icons? Yes indeed - and they are very different to each other: IWRY in warm, golden-tones and filled with the promise of comfort with the shadows creeping in around them, Forever in stark and unforgiving black and white, embracing but just barely connecting anymore.

I love these as much as I love [livejournal.com profile] sweetiepebbles' Spuffy Catagory set, especially Cat#2 from End of Days, cut as precisely as a diamond with layers and facets and I can't fathom and crisp detail. Let's hold hands and sing Kumbaya.



Ok, on a more personal note:

Tiny confession and full disclosure #1:   I'm a little disappointed at my own showing. (Is it ok to say that?) But then I'm also still reeling from being laid off and my one income source getting yanked away right at the same time the voting occured. (Gee I don't sound bitter, do I?) so it's very probably the emotions from one got blended into the other. Hey, can we call it a mash-up?

But I'm really proud of the icons I made for this set. Mostly. I pushed myself to try new things, to experiement, to be good enough to stand tall with some amazing and long-experienced artists I admire - to deserve to stand on the same stage and be considered with them, with no embarrassment - and I think I succeeded.  Even with the one or two icons I should have pitched out the window - Blending icon, I'm looking at you - I learned something that will hopefully lead to better image-making next time around. And I met some amazing artists and made some new friends - and got some hugs and strokes. So it's all good.


One thing I didn't learn: why people like what they like and how to judge that. My NS+Mono was one of my most popular icons and one of my least favorites. For reasons. Some of my favorites, Favorite Moment, Provided Texture, Comics, most of the AC ones that I really loved, didn't do as well as I'd have hoped. [livejournal.com profile] comlodge has counselled me to do what I love, rather than try to guess and curry favor with voters. I think this wise advice, indeed. (I'm pretty sure Donald Trump would tell me the exact opposite, which is why he's Donald Trump and I'm not.) Because except for Blended and Cat 4, I wouldn't swap any of these icons out if I had a second chance. (If I actually did have a second chance that might be another story.)

Tiny confession and full disclosure #2: I chose Vamp Willow as my claim for Round 2. And I'm nervous, as in freaked out, really scared I'll make shitty icons. Because I want to do the character and my friends who are Willow (and Vamp Willow) fans justice. And, not make shitty icons. Again - there's a mash up of "my life is uncertain and scary right now for reasons and I'm terrified because I don't know what to do about it" and "I'm more aware than I used to be that my icon-making skilz have a long way to go." All the icons in my user pics that I made and were so very proud of months ago? My beloved Buffy & Dawn in Him icon? Now all I see is flaws - "damnit Sarah's face is all wrong, it's too pixilated, argh!"

Clearly obsessing on this shit is my way of distracting myself from what's really and truly distressing me. And maybe that sort of distraction is not of the good. (But I her nose is STILL wrong on that icon, gosh darn it!)


Now, on to Round 2 - and speaking of which, [livejournal.com profile] oh_cheezit has already posted her Buffy Summers season 4 entries - make the rest of us look like slackers, thank you very much - so check out the pretties!
red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)
Yesterday I received a v-gift of a red rose from an anonymous donor and thought:

"Who is this from?"
That's sweet."
"Is someone trying to woo me? Because I'm spoken for - but extremely flattered."
"No one has given me a rose in ages. Even if it's a virtual one."
"Is this going to be accompanied by a dead body?"



Just now I've noticed that someone has given me a paid account - with spaces for 32 icons (oh my!) I have PLANS for those empty slots. And who knows what other goodies?
(I've got daily visitor stats! Whoo!) ETA: [livejournal.com profile] velvetwhip says I can do polls. I have wanted to do polls since I got this account. I HAVE IDEAS.

WHOEVER GAVE ME THIS GIFT: THANK YOU. You paid you own hard-earned money to give ME a free account?
I'm grateful and flabbergasted and as close to speechless as I get.

And I'm not going to ask how it's even possible for someone else to upgrade my account. Wouldn't someone need my password? Nope, shutting off the suspicious & paranoid lobe of my brain. Shutting it off RIGHT NOW. Really.

I have NO IDEA who it might be. NONE whatsoever. Which is a good thing, in a way: I have NO idea who did this because I've made an astonishing number of friends in this fandom since I started this journal 1-1/2 years ago, who have provided me with encouragement, conversation, friendship and solid support, wise and sensible counsel when I needed it, spaces to rant and squee, to laugh and weep and think.

Any single one of them - one of you, dears - might be my benefactor.  I'm astonished anyone thinks I'm worth it and pleased if you feel I am. I hope I can give back at least a fraction of what I've received since joining this fandom.

Now excuse me, I have something wet in my eyes.
red_satin_doll: (Huh?)
 Am I the ONLY person in this corner of LJ fandom who DIDN'T watch the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary special?  (Apparently my "inner Willow I hate to
be left out Rosenberg" has come out to pla pout.  Which gives me pause....)

Aaaaaaannnnnnddddd in other non-whiny new o' my life, my sweetie ordered a new computer today. Last we she bought me new twin bed to replace the one that got crispy-fried in August. First pillow-top mattress I've had! Plus new sheet and down comforter. I felt a wee bit self-conscious about it as "her bed" because like most things in our home, she purchased it. (She has a job, I'm unemployed.). But she called it mine.

Sometimes I am reminded all over again why I love her and what's kept us together for nigh on 17 years. I suspect our relationship mightn't look functional to any one else, and it sure as hell doesn't fit any neat ideals in the self-help books. But it works in it's own strange way - we get by.  At the end of the day all we have is everything we are.

(And at the end of the day, maybe that's why I love Buffy&Spike in all their screwed-up, messy, sometimes tender, sometimes terrible glory? It's something I can recognize, feel, understand. The rest of the world be damned.)
red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)
Or rather it would ensue if I wasn't so freaking exhausted. But it's sent off and done. (the contents list was actually my partner's thing that were destroyed in the fire and covered by her renters' insurance, but I was doing the work on it while she goes off and earns a paycheck, bless her.)

I know I didn't get everything on their but they only pay so many anyway and there just comes a point where I couldn't. COULDN'T get it all on there.

My sweetie just called and said we'd go out to dinner to celebrate, yay. And I'm still in my pajamas.

In other news: way way behind on fic, vid and other recs for y'all, so I plan to resume after the weekend.

The second honeymoon we were enjoying in this apartment of my partner and I sleeping together (in a double bed) for the first time in years has ended already: I snore and it wakes her up too often and then she's tired at work. I admit I cried a little. So it's back to separate beds for us. I'm on an inflatable this time in our erstwhile office, which feels like I'm a visitor here. The upside is I'm in the room with the laptop and can stay on after she goes to sleep - given the fact that I stay up very late reading fanfic, that probably isn't such a good thing after all! And, I miss the cuddling. I love her, I do, but god I'm human. We hadn't cuddled every morning like that in almost ten years. It does a number on a girl.

And I miss the comfort brand new down mattress and pretty duvet cover, a rare luxury (and necessity) for us. I know there are millions of people in the world who don't have a bed to sleep on and I keep reminding myself of that!  But, only human here.
red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)
Last week we finally got the gas stove (burners etc) in the new apartment fixed and approved for use, and I made the first dinner since the house fire that I was proud of: Chicken breasts rubbed with a little balsamic vinagrette dressing from a local restaurant  (to which I'd added a little more oil and maple sysauteed in the cast iron skillet in a slick of olive oil, with chopped leeks, mushrooms, garlic etc; seasoned lightly with salt, pepper, and then just a dash of balsamic vinagrette dressing from a local restaurant (to which I'd added maple syrup) poured in at the last minute or two. Making it felt like coming home on some small level: this is ME, this is who I am. It felt familiar, and "familiar" has suddenly become very precious to me.

And yes, I do know children are starving around the world and women have to walk ten miles to get water and I've never been raped and I'm not mutilated or dead so stop whining and be grateful. No, I'm not joking, this stuff really goes through my head. Although when my landlord pulled out the "at least you have a roof over your head" line I wanted to tell him to stuff it.

So it's been little things, grasping for the familiar comforts and rhythms, while being aware somehow that the "old normal" doesn't exist anymore and never will; that a new sense of "normal" is establishing itself, while the old patterns elbow their way in.  Or perhaps it's the other way around? Whether that "new normal" is comfortable or desirable is too soon to tell. The old normal was comfortable; but was it actually desirable?

So I can still light a fire in the Weber grill with wood I've gathered myself and grill a steak or burn documents without hesitation. The fire and smoke don't bother me because I've mastered this activity and it's "under control", safe and contained.

But I'm hyper-aware of fire truck sirens in the streets, and I startled at unfamiliar noises in this new apartment, the slight ones coming perhaps from outside on the stairwell, beneath the floor or through the walls; in fact I'm not sure where they come from most times. I freeze and wait for a second until they pass. Sounds, not sights or smells, seems to be the main sense in which my recent "trauma" (let's just call it PTSD, shall we?) expresses itself. It wasn't the mattress in flames that terrified me, or the smoke filling my eyes; it was the awful sound of my sweetheart's high-pitched, hysterical scream as she tried to fight the fire. Running up the stairs I thought for an awful moment I'd find her engulfed in flames, burning to death.

No one should have to hear that sound, although many people do, and worse. I know.

But written words can have an effect as well. I had to stop reading [livejournal.com profile] beer_good_foamy's recent post re: Night Vale when I read this quote from the podcasts: "The world is awful. And on fire. And beautiful." A month ago I would have loved the elegant and evocative language. Now I run away from it because I want to cry. And I am not liking this state of affairs one little bit. Not at all. But there it is. (Note to BGF if you're reading it: don't change the title of your journal on my account, ok? That is NOT what I'm saying at all.)

It is always unpredictable and never within my control. Perhaps that's what is really setting me off lately, and not the triggers themselves. That may explain why I have a hard time lately bearing my partner's moods when she arrives home. She might be exhausted, in pain, angry about work, hyper-focused on some obsession or project that must get done, throw herself into a frenzy of activity or barely be able to move. She's no different in fact than she's ever been but now it feels very heightened to me. The fact that she speaks aloud constantly, says everything she's thinking at every moment she's thinking it, or thinks and obsesses in patterns and circles, is nothing new. The fact that she wants me to "respond" to her, but automatically know when she's talking to me and when she's just thinking aloud isn't new either.  We've been together 17 years, she's always been that way.

It used to be irritating, frustrating; now it feels like nails scraping my skin to be in the same room sometimes. And other times, she leans into me and I stroke her soft hair and forget all that for a moment, until the next disagreement and we're off to the races again.


My primary solace, lately, or methods of trying to hold onto "normal" have included being here with my friends on LJ and chatting for hours while ignoring my must-do list and procrastinating like a champ; and carrying a notebook with me everywhere I go so I can write when inspiration strikes - again, always when I'm supposed to be doing something else "more important".

And lately I'm writing Buffyverse fanfic. After announcing a year ago I would NOT write fanfic because 1) my previous efforts in another fandom sucked which 2) made me decide I'm really a non-fiction writer plus 3) there are so many good writers in this fandom that I could never compete or say something really new and therefore, 4) I was going to write meta in this fandom instead of fic.

I'm writing Buffyverse fanfic. Be very afraid.... )
In other news, my sweetie and I are going to the Cape tomorrow, to Truro, MA just south of Provincetown; she's taking a painting workshop that was planned and paid for back in May. We've been to the Cape just once before on a weekend trip and loved it. ("Off-season" is the way to go on a strip of land that has only one road going in and out.)  I don't know if I'll see the harbor seals this time, but I am taking the laptop along.

And my notebook. Much cheaper than therapy, with none of the nasty side-effects of antidepressants.
red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)

As I don't have daily access to a 'puter/internet I can't reply to everyone who left a message but I want to thank everyone so very much for your thoughts and well-wishes after my last post re: our housefire on Monday .  The love and support is really appreciated, I don't have words for it.  (Probably due to the general tiredness). I told my sweetie and she was appreciative as well. So thank you so much from both of us!  And because I don't want my "hiatus" to become too hiatus-y, I offer my Tip o' the Day: DO NOT WEAR A RED T-SHIRT INTO A STAPLES STORE. Especially during the busy back to school season, unless you really want to be mistaken for an employee by nigh on five or more other shoppers. And if you've been unemployed for a while, as I have, try not to break out the patented "Why is it that everywhere I go someone mistakes me for an employee (this is actually true, it happens to me in many different stores) but I can't get hired by anyone?"  Because the person on the receiving end of the rant will back away from you very slowly. 'tis embarrassing. *le sigh*

red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)
I'm having to take a short break from LJ and the computer in general - we had a rather major house fire Monday night.

Good news first - we're ok, my sweetie has burns on her hand and foot that are not serious enough for the local wound clinic to treat, but her left hand is so wrapped in gauze it looks like a Mummy Hand. (I guess that makes her right hand the Daddy hand? Hey someone had to say it.)  She's back to her old self otherwise.

Only my sweetie's bedroom was destroyed - the mattress went up like a freaking firebomb. the fire started there, but there's damage throughout the house from smoke and water. I remembered to close the bedroom door before we left and the inspector said that was the best thing I could have done so go me.

Our desktop was destroyed and obviously my computer access will be extremely limited for a while, so I won't be able to return the many overdue messages and comments in my inbox.

The other good news - I'm ok too, a little tired and sore; and I was able to salvage a printed draft of the Buffy & Dawn story I was working on, and most of my notebooks with btvs meta essay notes. Don't laugh. It's the silliest thing but I felt like I wanted to have them, like they're more "me" than a lot of my stuff. AND I now know the difference between fic and meta, at least for me. Meta ideas (in rough form) are mostly in my head, even if the details are fuzzy; but there is NO WAY I could have reproduced the fiction from memory. Even though I've reread my own drafts many times. With fic the precise word placement and rhythms are so absolutely essential.

My vegan chocolate cake recipe might take a little effort to reproduce though. Maybe recipes are like fiction. *lol*  Such is life.
red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)
Over the past year I've seen some sincere and well-intended comments in fandom re: how Buffy copes with depression in S6 that I've wanted to respond to but frankly have been at a loss. (What, me, at a loss for words? Yep. You can stop laughing now.) Because I try to do the usual mental somersaults "Don't take it personally they're not talking about me bitty blah..." and then end up walking away because the friendship is more important, right? (Right?)A.K.A, I'm a coward.  I do take it personally, however hard I try not to. Depression is so terribly difficult to describe to others because I can barely begin to wrap my own mind around it. If I don't understand it, how I can expect anyone who hasn't experienced it to be able to do so? It's a highly-stigmatized subject: don't ask, don't tell. Mental illness receives less respect and real science in terms of care and treatment than, say, athletes foot or erectile dysfunction. Season 5 touches on the disparities of treatment in terms of socio-economic factors, as well the huge divide between the care Joyce receives for a "physical ailment" vs that of Glory's victims, including Tara.

Fortunately, there are other people in this fandom and outside of it who are braver, smarter and more eloquent than I am, especially when it comes to this very personal and difficult subject.  When I'm at a loss all I need do is create a link and say "This". The biggest library in the whole damn world is right at my fingertips, assuming I can remember where anything is located:



"Buffy and Trauma, Part 1: Where I'm Coming From" by [livejournal.com profile] eilowyn : "This series of meta posts, which begins with this one, originally was supposed to be one giant mega meta. I would view Buffy’s trauma and depression academically, put forth a thesis, support it with evidence, and conclude it succinctly. Meta doesn’t come easy for me, but academic writing does. However, the more I thought about Buffy’s situation and my situation, the more this giant mega post became smaller, separate posts. I had so much to say, and the only way I could say it all is if I told this story of my depression and Buffy’s trauma and depression in pieces. This is the first piece, in which I candidly discuss my depression, and how I came to win the fight against it."




I'm grateful that she chose to write it the way she did, because an entirely academic essay wouldn't be nearly as meaningful to me. Her actual, lived experience offers me something that clinical descriptions or analysis can't: recognition and a sense of relief that it's not just me after all - hey, I may be going crazy but at least I'm not going crazy alone, right? (Right?) Buffy Summers is not just an intellectual construct to me; she touches my heart and appeals to my mind equally, as does this essay. The greatest gifts I received the moment I walked with her into Sunnydale High School  - from Buffy herself, the 'verse and its fandom - are hope, relief, and comfort from people who identify with Buffy's struggles as I do, and write openly and courageously about their personal experiences with a highly misunderstood and stigmatized condition. I admire
[livejournal.com profile] eilowyn's courage and hope that I can make it my own, and pass her precious gifts along to someone else.


******

"But it wasn’t just intelligence that marked Buffy as something different. In a world rigged to make us feel alone and insignificant, Buffy gave us hope. It made us feel as though we were a part of something bigger than ourselves, that we belonged....Even now, so many years after the end of the show, there are still new fans finding their way into Sunnydale. Buffy doesn’t care that they’re late to the game. She’s’ been waiting for them – and she accepts all of them exactly as they are." - Letter from Amber Benson in The Making of A Slayer

******

"Depression, Part 2" is the latest update from Allie Brosh on Hyperbole and a Half : "The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief.  I had always wanted to not give a fuck about anything. I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore. But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different."

Nearly every word Allie writes describes my own experience of depression with frightening, precise accuracy: the numbing fog, the hopelessness, the inability to feel not only positive feelings (joy, love) but even negative ones - to be able to have a good cleansing cry or scream, when the tears just won't come anymore (and what's the point anyway, right? Right?) But then her drawings - bright, childlike, sly and witty - poke the bubble of self-pity or gloom that a lesser artist might evoke. I can laugh again at my own situation, at the absurdity of it all, without feeling the pressure to lie to myself. Not "All fixed now", but "this too shall pass."


*****
I can't end this post without a nod to [livejournal.com profile] angearia 's "My Depression, My Hero" - the first meta about depression I read in this fandom that made the small still voice inside my heart whisper "That's me"; and it's companion piece on depression and creativity (with nifty Parks and Rec gifs!) Emmie's work has been a huge influence on my own writing here, not necessarily in terms of style but moreso subject matter and the simple motivation necessary to speak courageously from the heart.


Also I will never pass up a chance to pimp her stuff, or [livejournal.com profile] eilowyn's, because I'm always encountering new or even veteran buffyverse fans who have not heard of them yet. (Come to that, there are people in fandom I've talked to who have never ever heard of [livejournal.com profile] the_royal_anna.  How the hell is that even possible? You could sooner explain to me just how many angels do indeed dance on the head of that damned pin.) This is clearly an error that must be corrected, one fan at a time if necessarily.
red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)
FYI - This may be a bit ramble-y and incoherent; I can't tell. I had my first epidural for a back injury today, so if this is a mess, blame the steroids.  I know I will.


"I think there's a mythology that if you want to change the world, you have to be sainted, like Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela or Archbishop Tutu.  Ordinary people with lives that go up and down and around in circles can still contribute to change." -- Jody Williams (activist, Nobel Prize winner, quoted in Time Magazine, 03/25/13)



I read this today and was reminded of something either [livejournal.com profile] the_royal_anna or [livejournal.com profile] angearia wrote about Buffy, in particular S6.  I feel a bit embarrassed that I can't find the quote or remember which one of them said it.  I wouldn't confuse their writing styles when I see them set side-by-side, but their essays, musings and observations both occupy the a similar space in my mind when it comes to Buffy fandom: lyrical, deeply personal, optimistic, compassionate, perceptive and even joyous.  It's a space I need to return to when I get too caught up in the snark, irony, anger, and disatissfaction  - in fandom, in the verse, and in RL; the space that reminds me why I fell in love with the Buffyverse, and Buffy Summers, to begin with.

The observation I have in mind was how S6, and the really the show itself, was a reminded that ordinary people can achieve extraordinary things, even in the midst of great travail and despite pain and difficulties. *

And that's part of the reason why Buffy is My Hero, and why I love the Buffyverse** : Willow and Spike and Xander, Anya and Tara, Giles and Joyce and Dawn, and the rest.*** Because their mistakes do not completely define who they are, but become a part of who they are, inseparable from the moments they get it completely "right". But then again it's rarely as simple or easy as that, otherwise there would be no struggle; all we'd have to do to get from point A to point B would be to follow a handy little  roadmap. And we can define point A to point B as "childhood to maturity",  "ignorance to insight" "from morning until night",  "conflict to resolution".

That's something I need to keep reminding myself, especially when I feel particularly "small" and yes, even worthless.  When I feel as though my mistakes and failures - what I didn't achieve, who I didn't become - dominate my sense of "self". They're all I can see in and of myself, and I'm certain they're all anyone else sees.  When I forget, in the moments of doubt or self-recrimination, or hopelessness, that  there were moments that came before that, and that will come afterwards. That this too, shall pass.  Just as before, just as it always has.


* My apologies to the author herself for the incredibly clumsy and botched attempt to paraphrase an extraordinarily eloquent sentence. And forgetting who the author is to start with.

**Yes, that includes Kennedy. In fact, I'm starting to think she's genuinely awesome in her own way.

***Except for Angel and Riley. Feel sympathy for them at times?  Of course.  Love?  Nope, not feeling it.  The heart doesn't want what it doesn't want.


red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)

Originally posted at the Jossverse Big Damn Love Fest: http://big-damn-fest.dreamwidth.org/3818.html


RUNNER-UP: Best Meta (Not Fade Away) category of the Wicked Awards Round 10
banner by [livejournal.com profile] angelus2hot


r10redsatindollnotfadeawayrunneruppngoriginal_bannerbyangelus2hot

***
Warning and Disclaimer: I have thoughts - and a lot of feelings - about "Ted".  This is quite serious, and more than a little personal; some very triggery subjects will be discussed. I’m not kidding. If this isn't your thing, by all means feel free to hit the back button right now, and no hard feelings.  If you chose to continue otherwise, considered yourself welcome as well as forewarned. But please leave your weapons at the threshhold before you come in. Then wipe your feet on the mat, and help yourself to cookies.  (Or hot cocoa with extra marshmallows.) Also, I apologize for the formatting but LJ is being very disobedient tonight.

Joyce_Buffy_Sad_ Ted_LJ_500pixels

And then there's the simple truth that when you engage in violence, accidents happen. We aren't robots. We can't turn off and turn on with the flip of a switch--and if we could, then we'd be okay with murdering people to gain our own ends. That fact that Buffy's violence is motivated by love is essential; it is both dark and light--she dances on the razor edge and she only has her instincts to guide her. - [livejournal.com profile] angearia
http://2maggie2.livejournal.com/33960.html

***
In 1958 Lana Turner’s 14 year-old daughter Cheryl Crane stabs her mother’s boyfriend to death, allegedly in an effort to protect her mother.  (The man, Johnny Stompanato, had gang connections and a history of violence behind him.)  The court rules it justifiable homicide.


***


Thirty years later another teenage girl, oldest of four siblings, reads about Cheryl Crane, admires Crane’s courage, and wonders if she would be able to do the same, if the need arose. Her (second) stepfather is a large and powerful man; her mom is barely 5’3”.  Would a baseball bat be sufficient?  A kitchen knife? She decides on a rusty WW1-era bayonet and hides it by her bed. Her mom finds it and removes it without a word.


***


In the end, it’s unnecessary anyway; her mom divorces her husband and her daughter can breathe again, a little, and home becomes a safe place to be for the first time in years. It’s not that the girl wanted to hurt her stepfather.  She knows that would be a horrific act; she also knows that there are people out there, other girls, for whom such things are unimaginable.  But she’s been surrounded by violence her entire life, and so it’s not off the table. What is unimaginable in all her dark reveries, risking death for the sake of her family, is the notion of defending  herself from her stepfather. Not once does that occur to her.
***
In 2012 the same girl, now a woman, finally watches Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the first time. She enjoys the cleverness and subversion of the “high school is hell” metaphors, the witty dialogue, the genre tropes and subversions. She is entertained and amused, even moved at times, but she doesn’t really identify with the pretty, perky ex-cheerleader at the center of the story.  It doesn’t really touch her own experiences, and isn’t remotely scary, even when Buffy goes down to meet her death at the hands of the Master for the first time. (There are a total of seven seasons, after all; ergo, nothing to worry about.)


***


And then the woman watches “Ted” and for a few moments, she is terrified - for Buffy, and for the girl who hid a bayonet by her bed all those years ago. Memories she’s (thought she’s made) made peace with and packed away tumble out unbidden, like an overstuffed dresser drawer.  She knows that her experience is not identical to Buffy’s, after all, and there’s a relief in that; the girl she once was couldn’t fight back, couldn’t protect her herself much less her family, and never even dared to protest or sass back; Buffy can, and does. She has resources that girl of long ago, and most abused children, can never dream of - confidence, physical strength, strength of character and will, resourcefulness, as well as devoted friends who come to her aid.


***


But Buffy Summers is just a girl, after all, a 16 year old girl operating on instinct. She’s been given a “license to kill” (demons) and almost zero guidance in how to use it.  The Watchers’ Council cares nothing for her welfare, or for the countless girls who have preceded her; what matters is that the Slayer does her job properly and follows the arcane rules imposed upon her, traditions handed down through the centuries.
BuffyFrightened_Ted_LJ_300pixels
Ted Buchanan, as it turns out, would make an ideal Watcher by the Council’s standards, barring his use of physical violence, and even that’s not a sure thing. After all, the original Shadowmen chained a girl and forced the power of the demon upon her; the Watchers' Council may be more “civilized” on the surface, but they uphold a terrible tradition. The Slayer is used, discarded and replaced when she rebels or no longer suits the councils needs. Surely more personal abuse and violations of Slayers by individual Watchers is not beyond the pale.


***


Likewise Ted demands obedience from a string of women, discarding and destroying them when they disobey him or are no longer useful. How many Slayers throughout time have come before Buffy (later Kendra and Faith)? How many other people has Ted hurt or killed, women who wouldn’t follow the program, in addition to the four wives in his closet?  The Watcher’s Council and Ted both operate within closed systems; they may allow minor changes and adjustments so long as the original paradigm is preserved.


***
Of course Buffy defeats Ted, motivated not just by her Slayer instincts but the instincts of a daughter and friend to protect the people she loves. She’s the Hero, after all. And yet she suffers for her actions; social ostracization, guilt, and shame. Heros may not end up in court charged with justifiable homicide but there are still consequences to bear. (There are always consequences.)


***


Or at least there are if the Hero is a teenage girl. Violence from men is so common as to be unremarkable; violent acts committed by women are still considered shocking. It’s no accident that at the end of the episode Buffy and Joyce agree to a rewatch of Thelma and Louise, a movie that disturbed and polarize audiences because two female protagonists commit violent acts against male characters onscreen; the same violence by male protagonists is a commonplace in movies, and a guarantee of box office sales.


***


So Buffy succeeds but at a cost.  Her mother is safe but heartbroken and terribly lonely, unable to even look her daughter in the eye. Whatever her personal animosity towards Ted, much of it justifiable in light of his behavior, the last thing on earth Buffy ever wanted to do was to hurt her mother. The bond between them, one that suffered fissures long before “Ted Buchanan” came into their lives, is further damaged.  And yet they love one another, deeply, no one questions that, and there’s the rub.  The anger and love are warped and woven into one another so tightly that what poisons their bond also strengthens it.


***


And so it is with her best friends, with her mentor, with everyone who comes within her circle. Violence begets violence. It stains and spoils everything it touches; it cannot be put back into a tidy little box, locked up and tossed away.  We can atone for it but we cannot undo it.


***


But this a fictional story and in fiction, unlike real life, there must be some catharsis for the viewer, a chance to release the anxieties the story has provoked, to relax and breathe again. And so it is for the characters themselves, or at least it seems at the moment.  The episode ends happily, one might say conventionally, enough. More dramatically than the story of girl with the bayonet, perhaps (real life has no resolutions, remember); but Buffy and her mother come to an uneasy, unspoken peace on the back porch, their home (women’s space) reclaimed, and they can breathe again, for a time. Rupert Giles and Jenny Calender share a passionate kiss for the first time, Xander and Cordelia giggle while Buffy averts her eyes. It’s an ending worthy of Shakespearean comedy: All’s well that ends well.
JoyceGiles_Kiss_Ted_Cropped_LJ.Brknscrncps

Except, of course, that we’ve seen the entire series, and we know too much. The moments that made us smile and cheer when we first watched are painful now. (Not as painful as the memory of that bayonet and all it represented, but certainly poignant.) The characters onscreen have the luxury of perpetual innocence; they can’t know yet that Buffy will hesitate to kill her lover and it will cost Jenny her life, and Giles his only chance at love; that Buffy will eventually run a sword through her lover’s heart. The truth of Buffy’s calling will be forced upon Joyce at the worst possible hour and their relationship will be very nearly destroyed.


***


Much has been made of Buffy’s “daddy issues”,  at the cost of the complex mother/daughter relationship, and so scholars and fandom inadvertently repeat the sins of Ted Buchanan, and of the Watchers Council.  We forget, dismiss or overlook the fact that it always comes back to this: the love between a girl trying to grow up in an uncertain and frightening world, and a lonely mother so deeply in denial she cannot see what’s in plain sight before her eyes.


***


And Ted’s fingerprints (do robots have fingerprints?) can be found in the final hours of Buffy’s story when Giles and “General Buffy” and their friends represent the last vestigal traces of the WC, haunted by ghosts and locked into a closed and destructive paradigm. Violence begets violence.


***


In 2012, Buffy became my Hero - by which I mean my fictional hero, my avatar, as opposed to real life heros such as my mother.  (Make no mistake - in her capacity to love and endure, I consider my mother heroic.) My brothers grew up with Spiderman and Batman and Hans Solo; with countless tales of soldiers and kings throughout the ages. I had to wait until I was in my 40’s to find her.


***


Was it worth it the wait? Yes, it most certainly was. Yet I can’t help feel a little wistful that Buffy Summers wasn’t around in the 1970's or 1980’s; I certainly would have loved her then as I do now, if perhaps for different reasons. I can hope that in the years since that at least one other girl or boy, etched with anger and violence, haunted by dreams of murder that are so common as to be unremarkable, has felt just a little less frightened and alone because of her.
red_satin_doll: (Chosen One - purple)
1) What the title says. *points upward* Voting closes for the Absence of Light Awards tonight, Friday the 15th*** at 5:30pm central time. Yep, I'm a nominee in the Drabble category, but there are stories in that cat - and in every category - that are much better. That deserve your love and attention.  That cry out for hugs and comfort.  So go forth and offer to these worthy authors a moment of complete happiness.  (No, not that way.  Ok, maybe that way....)

2) Pain levels are much lower today - maybe that acupuncture treatment helped after all? Perhaps in combination with the meds - any port in a storm will do.

3) A friend is taking me out to breakfast, yay!  It's a much-needed treat, and then I can return, refreshed, to complete that "Ted" meta I've been promising.  'cause breakfast makes everything better.

**Did somebody plan that or is that just an angsty coincidence?  Not that I'm superstitious or anything.

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