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red_satin_dollLast week we finally got the gas stove (burners etc) in the new apartment fixed and approved for use, and I made the first dinner since the house fire that I was proud of: Chicken breasts rubbed with a little balsamic vinagrette dressing from a local restaurant (to which I'd added a little more oil and maple sysauteed in the cast iron skillet in a slick of olive oil, with chopped leeks, mushrooms, garlic etc; seasoned lightly with salt, pepper, and then just a dash of balsamic vinagrette dressing from a local restaurant (to which I'd added maple syrup) poured in at the last minute or two. Making it felt like coming home on some small level: this is ME, this is who I am. It felt familiar, and "familiar" has suddenly become very precious to me.
And yes, I do know children are starving around the world and women have to walk ten miles to get water and I've never been raped and I'm not mutilated or dead so stop whining and be grateful. No, I'm not joking, this stuff really goes through my head. Although when my landlord pulled out the "at least you have a roof over your head" line I wanted to tell him to stuff it.
So it's been little things, grasping for the familiar comforts and rhythms, while being aware somehow that the "old normal" doesn't exist anymore and never will; that a new sense of "normal" is establishing itself, while the old patterns elbow their way in. Or perhaps it's the other way around? Whether that "new normal" is comfortable or desirable is too soon to tell. The old normal was comfortable; but was it actually desirable?
So I can still light a fire in the Weber grill with wood I've gathered myself and grill a steak or burn documents without hesitation. The fire and smoke don't bother me because I've mastered this activity and it's "under control", safe and contained.
But I'm hyper-aware of fire truck sirens in the streets, and I startled at unfamiliar noises in this new apartment, the slight ones coming perhaps from outside on the stairwell, beneath the floor or through the walls; in fact I'm not sure where they come from most times. I freeze and wait for a second until they pass. Sounds, not sights or smells, seems to be the main sense in which my recent "trauma" (let's just call it PTSD, shall we?) expresses itself. It wasn't the mattress in flames that terrified me, or the smoke filling my eyes; it was the awful sound of my sweetheart's high-pitched, hysterical scream as she tried to fight the fire. Running up the stairs I thought for an awful moment I'd find her engulfed in flames, burning to death.
No one should have to hear that sound, although many people do, and worse. I know.
But written words can have an effect as well. I had to stop reading![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
beer_good_foamy's recent post re: Night Vale when I read this quote from the podcasts: "The world is awful. And on fire. And beautiful." A month ago I would have loved the elegant and evocative language. Now I run away from it because I want to cry. And I am not liking this state of affairs one little bit. Not at all. But there it is. (Note to BGF if you're reading it: don't change the title of your journal on my account, ok? That is NOT what I'm saying at all.)
It is always unpredictable and never within my control. Perhaps that's what is really setting me off lately, and not the triggers themselves. That may explain why I have a hard time lately bearing my partner's moods when she arrives home. She might be exhausted, in pain, angry about work, hyper-focused on some obsession or project that must get done, throw herself into a frenzy of activity or barely be able to move. She's no different in fact than she's ever been but now it feels very heightened to me. The fact that she speaks aloud constantly, says everything she's thinking at every moment she's thinking it, or thinks and obsesses in patterns and circles, is nothing new. The fact that she wants me to "respond" to her, but automatically know when she's talking to me and when she's just thinking aloud isn't new either. We've been together 17 years, she's always been that way.
It used to be irritating, frustrating; now it feels like nails scraping my skin to be in the same room sometimes. And other times, she leans into me and I stroke her soft hair and forget all that for a moment, until the next disagreement and we're off to the races again.
My primary solace, lately, or methods of trying to hold onto "normal" have included being here with my friends on LJ and chatting for hours while ignoring my must-do list and procrastinating like a champ; and carrying a notebook with me everywhere I go so I can write when inspiration strikes - again, always when I'm supposed to be doing something else "more important".
And lately I'm writing Buffyverse fanfic. After announcing a year ago I would NOT write fanfic because 1) my previous efforts in another fandom sucked which 2) made me decide I'm really a non-fiction writer plus 3) there are so many good writers in this fandom that I could never compete or say something really new and therefore, 4) I was going to write meta in this fandom instead of fic.
Famous last words and all that. Or in this case, first words. But at least I'm writing, and feeling inspired to write and transporting myself out of myself a bit and it's the best feeling I've had since the apartment fire.
And it's post-Chosen fic, some of it from Buffy's POV. I have a kink for good post-series fics and I love Buffy dearly so that makes sense. The post-series setting is new for me but that means there's a lot of unfinished emotional business to explore and I can take it any direction I want while remaining canon-compliant.
But some of it is also from Giles' POV. Giles? Really? This is not normal for me. At all. In fact, writing from a male character's POV is something I've attempted only once before with any success. It's coming out differently than other fiction I've written. There's shifts in style and tone that make me a little nervous. Some of it is crowd scenes and multi-character conversations. I've never done that well before; this time it might be working. Might be. There are long two-person dialogues, and extended internal monologues. There's things that I think only experienced writers should attempt: a dream sequence. Always a potential landmine of badness. Third-person present tense POV. Fashionable nowadays but risky if you don't know what you're doing.
It might all be part of a single multichapter story or it might be a series of ficlets or drabbles, I have no idea. They may even be part of a whole 'verse. They fit together in the same timeline, but what actually makes a 'verse? And if it is a single verse, what the hell would I call it? ("Buffyverse" is, unfortunately, already taken. Damn it.)
There's pairings I've never attempted before but it's not a "shippy" fic. Buffy, Giles, Willow, Faith and Dawn are all in it so far. I've written scenes where there's actually some humor to lighten the angst - I've NEVER successfully written humor into my fiction, but it makes me smile. Whether it's funny to anyone else I've no idea. And the vice-versa: Yesterday I spent a better part of the day writing pages upon pages of third-person present tense fic but from Buffy's POV that's mostly light and humorous, until I got to a point that almost made me cry. It feels very new and very weird, and I'm not sure if it's worth typing up and sending togillo and Lookingforoctober, who have kindly offered their beta services.
But I know I loved writing it. God knows I love Buffy like - I was about to say "house afire" but I think I'll retire that metaphor for the time being, thank you. She may not be "fandom's" favorite character but I find her fascinating: funny, intense, angry, compassionate, so full of feeling that it's painful to even express it and sometimes dangerous when she does so. There's just so much there to explore.
And third-person present tense is the sort of POV where I often think that the piece might actually be better off in first-person POV, but in this case, it's what the story is calling for. I didn't plan it but I think it's actually helping me dig into the heads of the various characters, even Buffy's, and retaining some sense of immediacy while retaining some detachment as an author, if that makes any sense?
I can see influences of just about every other writer in this fandom whose work I've enjoyed and admired. This may be a horrible mess and meant for my eyes only. I hope not. I'm getting a lot of pleasure out of it.
In other news, my sweetie and I are going to the Cape tomorrow, to Truro, MA just south of Provincetown; she's taking a painting workshop that was planned and paid for back in May. We've been to the Cape just once before on a weekend trip and loved it. ("Off-season" is the way to go on a strip of land that has only one road going in and out.) I don't know if I'll see the harbor seals this time, but I am taking the laptop along.
And my notebook. Much cheaper than therapy, with none of the nasty side-effects of antidepressants.
And yes, I do know children are starving around the world and women have to walk ten miles to get water and I've never been raped and I'm not mutilated or dead so stop whining and be grateful. No, I'm not joking, this stuff really goes through my head. Although when my landlord pulled out the "at least you have a roof over your head" line I wanted to tell him to stuff it.
So I can still light a fire in the Weber grill with wood I've gathered myself and grill a steak or burn documents without hesitation. The fire and smoke don't bother me because I've mastered this activity and it's "under control", safe and contained.
But I'm hyper-aware of fire truck sirens in the streets, and I startled at unfamiliar noises in this new apartment, the slight ones coming perhaps from outside on the stairwell, beneath the floor or through the walls; in fact I'm not sure where they come from most times. I freeze and wait for a second until they pass. Sounds, not sights or smells, seems to be the main sense in which my recent "trauma" (let's just call it PTSD, shall we?) expresses itself. It wasn't the mattress in flames that terrified me, or the smoke filling my eyes; it was the awful sound of my sweetheart's high-pitched, hysterical scream as she tried to fight the fire. Running up the stairs I thought for an awful moment I'd find her engulfed in flames, burning to death.
No one should have to hear that sound, although many people do, and worse. I know.
But written words can have an effect as well. I had to stop reading
beer_good_foamy's recent post re: Night Vale when I read this quote from the podcasts: "The world is awful. And on fire. And beautiful." A month ago I would have loved the elegant and evocative language. Now I run away from it because I want to cry. And I am not liking this state of affairs one little bit. Not at all. But there it is. (Note to BGF if you're reading it: don't change the title of your journal on my account, ok? That is NOT what I'm saying at all.)It is always unpredictable and never within my control. Perhaps that's what is really setting me off lately, and not the triggers themselves. That may explain why I have a hard time lately bearing my partner's moods when she arrives home. She might be exhausted, in pain, angry about work, hyper-focused on some obsession or project that must get done, throw herself into a frenzy of activity or barely be able to move. She's no different in fact than she's ever been but now it feels very heightened to me. The fact that she speaks aloud constantly, says everything she's thinking at every moment she's thinking it, or thinks and obsesses in patterns and circles, is nothing new. The fact that she wants me to "respond" to her, but automatically know when she's talking to me and when she's just thinking aloud isn't new either. We've been together 17 years, she's always been that way.
It used to be irritating, frustrating; now it feels like nails scraping my skin to be in the same room sometimes. And other times, she leans into me and I stroke her soft hair and forget all that for a moment, until the next disagreement and we're off to the races again.
My primary solace, lately, or methods of trying to hold onto "normal" have included being here with my friends on LJ and chatting for hours while ignoring my must-do list and procrastinating like a champ; and carrying a notebook with me everywhere I go so I can write when inspiration strikes - again, always when I'm supposed to be doing something else "more important".
And lately I'm writing Buffyverse fanfic. After announcing a year ago I would NOT write fanfic because 1) my previous efforts in another fandom sucked which 2) made me decide I'm really a non-fiction writer plus 3) there are so many good writers in this fandom that I could never compete or say something really new and therefore, 4) I was going to write meta in this fandom instead of fic.
Famous last words and all that. Or in this case, first words. But at least I'm writing, and feeling inspired to write and transporting myself out of myself a bit and it's the best feeling I've had since the apartment fire.
And it's post-Chosen fic, some of it from Buffy's POV. I have a kink for good post-series fics and I love Buffy dearly so that makes sense. The post-series setting is new for me but that means there's a lot of unfinished emotional business to explore and I can take it any direction I want while remaining canon-compliant.
But some of it is also from Giles' POV. Giles? Really? This is not normal for me. At all. In fact, writing from a male character's POV is something I've attempted only once before with any success. It's coming out differently than other fiction I've written. There's shifts in style and tone that make me a little nervous. Some of it is crowd scenes and multi-character conversations. I've never done that well before; this time it might be working. Might be. There are long two-person dialogues, and extended internal monologues. There's things that I think only experienced writers should attempt: a dream sequence. Always a potential landmine of badness. Third-person present tense POV. Fashionable nowadays but risky if you don't know what you're doing.
It might all be part of a single multichapter story or it might be a series of ficlets or drabbles, I have no idea. They may even be part of a whole 'verse. They fit together in the same timeline, but what actually makes a 'verse? And if it is a single verse, what the hell would I call it? ("Buffyverse" is, unfortunately, already taken. Damn it.)
There's pairings I've never attempted before but it's not a "shippy" fic. Buffy, Giles, Willow, Faith and Dawn are all in it so far. I've written scenes where there's actually some humor to lighten the angst - I've NEVER successfully written humor into my fiction, but it makes me smile. Whether it's funny to anyone else I've no idea. And the vice-versa: Yesterday I spent a better part of the day writing pages upon pages of third-person present tense fic but from Buffy's POV that's mostly light and humorous, until I got to a point that almost made me cry. It feels very new and very weird, and I'm not sure if it's worth typing up and sending to
gillo and Lookingforoctober, who have kindly offered their beta services.But I know I loved writing it. God knows I love Buffy like - I was about to say "house afire" but I think I'll retire that metaphor for the time being, thank you. She may not be "fandom's" favorite character but I find her fascinating: funny, intense, angry, compassionate, so full of feeling that it's painful to even express it and sometimes dangerous when she does so. There's just so much there to explore.
And third-person present tense is the sort of POV where I often think that the piece might actually be better off in first-person POV, but in this case, it's what the story is calling for. I didn't plan it but I think it's actually helping me dig into the heads of the various characters, even Buffy's, and retaining some sense of immediacy while retaining some detachment as an author, if that makes any sense?
I can see influences of just about every other writer in this fandom whose work I've enjoyed and admired. This may be a horrible mess and meant for my eyes only. I hope not. I'm getting a lot of pleasure out of it.
In other news, my sweetie and I are going to the Cape tomorrow, to Truro, MA just south of Provincetown; she's taking a painting workshop that was planned and paid for back in May. We've been to the Cape just once before on a weekend trip and loved it. ("Off-season" is the way to go on a strip of land that has only one road going in and out.) I don't know if I'll see the harbor seals this time, but I am taking the laptop along.
And my notebook. Much cheaper than therapy, with none of the nasty side-effects of antidepressants.
