Odds and Ends

[red_satin_doll]

Good news: The cable guys came today and hooked up our internet service; we only had two days to wait. So now we're connected again, yay! I hope to be on again more often here - I've missed being here and getting to play. I need the release more than ever.

I just sketched out a rough draft for a post-series Buffy & Faith (and/or Buffy/Faith) fic the other day; I haven't ever written fic about the two of them before allthough I've got plenty of meta notes.  (It's occured to me I should start looking for a beta, and realize for all my experience being one, I have no idea how to ask for one.)

After the housefire, the crying jag, etc I've been thinking about Buffy post-series in ways I hadn't before: What's it like to have your entire world turned upside-down? To lose your home, the things you own, silly stuff that in some ways had come to define you? (Everyone thought I was crazy because I was thrilled that my childhood stuffed koala bear survived intact.) To have to remake-redefine yourself again because the patterns of your life, based on the habits built around the things you owned, the house you lived in, are suddenly no longer there anymore?

I'm familiar with the concept of displacement because I've been moved around many times since my dad died when I was about three yrs old: Mom remarried, then later divorced (and we left the house in the middle of the night); she bought a house and then another later; I went away to college, met my sweetie, moved and moved again. But this housefire is different - we've moved to another apartment but on the same property, we're still sorting through the damaged and destroyed things, betwixt and between if you will. I've tossed out books and antique photos I loved; I can't find anything in this new apartment because it's all still in boxes and bags; I set something down and five minutes later forget where. I did "detail work" today, lining kitchen cabinets, more cleaning and scrubbing of course, trying to find places for things. I'm not a great with organizational skills.  There's no sense of familiarity or rhythms to the way we live yet.

The only thing that feels familiar is the way my sweetie and I communicate - or don't as the case may be. We argue and snipe at each other but we did that before anyway, so nothing new. She says I'm loud, I'm yelling, I'm hyper, etc; I say she's controlling and bossy and is also hyper but doesn't see it. The thing I notice now more than ever is that she says every single thing that comes into her mind. I'm not kidding - it's a constant stream-of-consciousness conversation, and I have to suss out when she's talking aloud to herself and when she's talking to me and expects a response. That's nothing new either but it's more intense now, I think.

The week has been crazy, chaotic - horrible rains on the day we were moving most of our stuff and still a ton left to go. I admit I cursed the deities I don't currently believe in, just for good measure: "Really, God? REALLY? I know you have a sense of humor and all that, and I mean this with all due respect but - Fuck you. Don't take that the wrong way or anything."

But the tarp I'd put up over the tent (all by myself, I'll have you know) withstood the rains and is still standing. *pats self on back*  So there's that at least.

Comments

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

It would be bizarre if your recent trauma hadn't intensified your feelings and actions. You went through fire - literally! (And I understand completely about the koala. It can't be replaced.)


Gabrielle

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

It's interesting that you use the word "trauma" because at first I'd been all "I'm fine, we're fine, no big deal, we didn't lose everything, scheme of things and blah blah" and now I'm feeling the weight of, yes, trauma. I've made fires in the outdoor grill and grilled things without blinking since then, but I'm hyper-aware whenever I hear a siren from a fire truck or ambulance nearby. I feel very similar at times to when I've been depressed - lethargic at times and tired, sometimes angry or sad, reluctant to speak to people or interact and withdrawn as if I were ashamed or embarrassed - but it doesn't feel like "depression" in the same sense either. (Maybe "situational depression" rather than "chronic depression"?)

FYI - I took a photo of my koala this morning. (His name is Euclid. Yes, he has a name. It seemed dignified thing to do.) But our card reader burned up so I can't download the photos yet! He looked entirely nonplussed by the turn of events *lol* He's very dignified, in his way.