Great post, and I agree with your assessment of where Xander stands w.r.t. both his other selves, and the other men in the show. I do think that much of the preparation for the wedding was Xander on autopilot, trying to get all the things that one is supposed to do, and I do think that it's the same for Anya, whose extreme materialism is representative of her need to collect and achieve in order to fill a gap that's missing inside; I think we can see this as reflecting something in Xander, who (like everyone) needs external things to help him find internal security, but does so through non-supernatural trappings. I do think he loves Anya, but marriage is kind of a big deal for a 21-year-old, and Xander has not actually been able to process what that would actually mean, or whether he even wants that, I think. That his full commitment to Anya is bookended by Riley episodes (he commits more fully at the end of ITW and leaves her the episode after AYW) suggests the extent to which he is going through the motions of a ritualistic thing in order to define his self-worth (Riley is the show's big symbol of issues related to authenticity, "following orders," traditional generally-well-meaning-but-still-kind-of-a-jerk patriarchy, IMHO). I also agree that Xander's flaws being closer to the surface actually works in his favour in some ways, since he doesn't repress them to the same degree.

Egregious self-(&company) pimp, though: Doppelgangland, which is maybe my favourite thing I've written. (It's the only set of notes in which I took lead, hence why I take most of the credit for it, though there is wonderful material from Maggie and Strudel also.) Is there interest in more Willow meta / some Dark Willow meta when/if I fully de-hiatus?