Yes, that's exactly what I meant when I wrote not *all* angsty. There was a positive even if flawed role model. A source of love and compassion in all that chaos and despair and that is very, very important especially for a kid

Oh yes, I understand what you mean now. the opposite of that of course is that there are murderers and psychopaths who had two perfectly loving parents and a stable home. (You buy your ticket, you take your chances.)

Take Willow for example: her parents aren't abusive but they are both negative examples. And, of course, I'm not saying in anyway that Willow's childhood was more angsty than Tara. I just mean that she didn't have a positive role model to look foward to and that's why Buffy is so important in her life.

THIS. Exactly this. Neglect is also a form of (passive) abuse, and dysfunctional families come in all price ranges. And I think you're absolutely right about Buffy's importance: she sees Willow, notices her as a person, not a member of a demographic group or an abstraction as Sheila Rosenberg does; Willow's growing confidence in herself is mostly because of her role in the Scooby gang, because of the value and status that gives her as well as Buffy's friendship and intimacy. It sure as hell doesn't come from Xander!

And okay, spells mean sex but for a moment imagine that spells mean "interests in common"

Holy roman fuck you just blew my mind with that. that's a brilliant interpretation.

So there is something other that just attraction, it's really about getting along and sharing similar opinions/interests. So they build this safe space for them.

Oh yes, that's one of the things one does going into a relationship - explore common interests, have long conversations etc. but it's also accompanied by handwaving away or ignoring things that will become a problem later; or being drawn to certain qualities about them that become irritating over time. Again, it's not either/or in terms of attraction vs commonalities.

For instance, it's very complicated with Willow and Tara - each one would probably like to be mothered (loved) by the other, each one is looking to the other to do the mothering (getting needs met that hadn't been in childhood.) Willow probably loves tara's earth-mother qualities, her softness and nurturing - something Sheila didn't have - but OTOH, now that Willow's begun to claim greater status for herself, she's not about to become the "bottom" in the relationship, the submissive one as she was with her mother. Whether she's aware of it or not - and I doubt that she is consciously - her template for adult womanhood is her mother, a dominating personality.

Conversely, Willow is capable of great, motherly tenderness, esp after Tara is tortured by Glory in TL; and Tara doesn't really want to be submissive the way she was with her father again. But she can also be rigid and dogmatic in her thinking the way her father was. (Someone else in fandom pointed this out to me so it's not original to me.) Her ideas that you shouldn't try to raise the dead because it violates tradition, for example, is much like her families' conservative "things are done this way because they've always been done this way." Part of growing up and maturing is figuring out what we believe - NOT because our parents told us to think a certain way but because we've reasoned it out and experienced for ourselves why certain things are right or wrong; we have to develop our own ethical reasoning.

It really is a fascinating dynamic that deserves closer attention than I think it generally gets.

I also liked her S4 outfits. She was somehow eccentric and very ironic - the funny shirts! - but she was comfortable and cute. Plus great haircut.

I was looking at some screencaps from Hush and holy cats was she cute in that episode.